another blur

9 years of floundering around will finally come to an end this Friday….graduation, at long last!

I tried not to think about it this semester and I succeeded in doing that ’til last week. I’m done setting up for that day and made my last minute check to confirm that I really am finally graduating. Now the trick is to stay patient and calm for 4 more days.

I still have a few lose ends to tie up. I still have to continue teaching my 8th grade algebra class, I still have to give final exams for my 2 college classes, grade the exams, finalize their grades, and call the students that will not pass the class (sadly, I have to).

Goodbye undergrad, one more semester of student teaching, then it will finally by my time!

Viva Las Vegas!

It was a great trip and like all trips go…it went by a little too fast. I need another vacation to rest up and relax

Watching shows, casino hopping, shopping, and buffet galore pretty much sums up the weekend. What I probably will not forget anytime soon is our awesome 2D navigation system (thank you AAA for the free map)…with Ming acting as the navigator, we managed to get ourselves to where we wanted to go (despite getting lost so much, Vegas driving was fun).

Shows:
Greatest Magic Show on Earth
Jubilee (no, not Jollibee)
Blue Man Group

Casinos & Outlets:
Rio
MGM Grand
Venetian
Treasure Island
NY NY
Palazzo
Bally’s
Circus Circus
Luxor
Greek Isle
Palace Station
Sunset Station
Gold Strike
Las Vegas Premier Outlet
Fashion Outlet of Las Vegas

Buffet & Restaurant:
Circus Circus
Rio
Palace Station
Denny’s (Thank Bob for Denny’s)

To truly enjoy a trip, don’t sum up the expenses after it! Just cherish the memories that were made…

Something or Nothing

I’ve been working on this song for over a week. Just like the tile, it has literally become a "Something or Nothing" to me. Feels like I could never get a grip of it. The lyrics come to me gradually at times and at some point a whole new song concept and verses will come to me and it wipes out the lines.

I guess it only reflects the way I feel. Right now, that’s the feeling that has been going on and on inside of me…it’s Something or Nothing…that’s all that I know.

Perhaps in a few days/weeks time I’ll finally finish this song. Would it mean that the same can be said about me? I certainly hope so.

********
First Verse:
I’ve seen this before
A captivating place of mystery
I felt this way before
My heart’s turning inside out

To be continued…

It’s been almost a year after that glorious summer and I’ve yet to get it back…somewhere in those streets of NYC, my heart still lie, waiting for my return. The moment I boarded that plane to head back to good old California I knew that I would never be the same again. I’d have to go back again…and I will.

NYC: It’s hot, humid, and chaotic…feels just like home to me! Some of the people I know validated their belief than I’m more crazy than I am sane when I told them that I wish I could move to NYC when I graduate. They tell me "you want to teach and you want to live there? You really are something…" Well, if they still don’t know that I’ve been this crazy all my life…then they don’t really know me. I live by my motto "If it ain’t hard, it’s not worth my time doing it." 

The movie "August Rush" is about 3 of the most important things in my life (outside of my family): NYC, love, and music. I probably have a fraction of the music part and a fraction out of 3 is not good.

Jack-of-many-trades, but a master of none…that’s what I am. My passion is music and teaching…perhaps when my time comes, I’ll get to enjoy life as best as I can. For now, I’ll live with music and education.

It always happens…she always comes at these times…dang muse, why can’t she come when I’m bored out of my head?

It’s another midterm week and yet I’m inspired to work on everything else but preparing for my long dreaded math test. I either end up playing my guitar while trying to compose another song or I start writing verses that isn’t a tad bit more organized than my room on finals week.

The irony of it…here I am writing and complaining about the awful timing of my pleasant distractions in life, but what the heck am I doing right now?… Yeah, just keep that smile on your face…I know I’m wearing mine right now. I’ll surely pay for this with another two night overnighters…but I guess that’s just how nice I am to myself.
Away From the Sun - 3 Doors Down

F             C
It’s down to this
C           Em7                  F
I’ve got to make this life make sense
       C                  G
Can anyone tell what I’ve done
F          C
I miss the life
C           Em7          F
I miss the colors of the world
       C                G
Can anyone tell where I am

      F              C     Em7    F
Cause now again I’ve found myself so far down
Em7           G       F                C       Em7
Away from the sun that shines into the darkest place
    F           Em7           G   F        C   C
I’m so far down away from the sun again
Em7               F        C G
Away from the sun again

F           C
  I’m over this
C            Em7           F
I’m tired of livin’ in the dark
           C            G
Can anyone see me down here
F              C
The feeling’s gone
C               Em7              F
There’s nothing left to lift me up
       C             G
Back into the world I know

      F              C     Em7    F
Cause now again I’ve found myself so far down
Em7           G       F                C       Em7
Away from the sun that shines into the darkest place
    F           Em7           G
I’m so far down away from the sun
F                        C       Em7   F           Em7           G
That shines to light the way for me to find my way back into the arms
     F              C        Em7

That care about the ones like me
   F            Em7           G       Am  G  F G
I’m so far down away from the sun again

F             C
It’s down to this
C           Em7                  F
I’ve got to make this life make sense
              C                 G
And now I can’t tell what I’ve done

F                  C            C
And now again I’ve found myself so far down
Em7                    F                   C       G
Away from the sun that shines to light the way for me

F                   C     Em7    F
And now again I’ve found myself so far down
Em7           G        F              C      Em7
Away from the sun that shines into the darkest place
     F           Em7          G
I’m so far down away from the sun
F                         C       Em7    F          Em7           G
That shines to light the way for me to find my way back into the arms
F                    C       Em7
That care about the ones like me
    F           Em7           G        Am  G  F G
I’m so far down away from the sun again

It took months as I got lost in the blur of the semester, but I finally have the time to finish up my vacation reflection and more.

Atlantic City, New Jersey:

Now I know why I am staying as far away from gambling as I can lol it can be addictive and your money goes down the machine faster than you can say "moderation." Regardless of the money matters, it was a very nice trip and drive there. It wasn’t just the casino, nor the great view at boardwalk, but it was great because I got to spend time with family members that I have not seen in literally ages (11-12 years). Going around the casinos with my sister was a blast, just taking pictures and stopping occassionally at a machine or two and testing our luck. It’s quite good when you can budget yourself or when you don’t ahve a budget for gambling at all ha ha. I did not plan on driving but I am glad I did as it gave me a feel for the East Coast roads; although, I would have to test out the NY driving.

Jersey City, New Jersey:

Now here is where the trip reaches its climax, nothing better than real family time. It was pretty much hanging out with family and having wonderful meals together and it can’t get any better than that…wait….it can get better….KARAOKE!!! Singing ’til way past midnight was a blast, poor neighbors lol Capping off the week was Rush Hour 3 and a trip to Liberty Park.

Great sceneries are always refreshing and fun, this leg of the trip was not as fast paced as the first half but it was definitely a bunch more memorable. After all these months I am still feeling that high from the trip and there has hardly been a week that I am not wishing that I was back there. I probably left my heart somewhere in the east coast and I would have to come and get it back. I’m seriously considering moving there, but that would have to wait until much later as I have a couple more years before I can start my real life. For now, I’ll just keep dreaming and wishing that I am back there again and I’ll never be the same again. I love great ole Cal, but moving to the east would be a dream worth pursuing.

Two Thousand Seven:

It’s been an awesome year and it has been the happiest I’ve felt in literally years. It sucks to realize that it’s almost at the end of this wonderful year, but all good things eventually ends. I’m holding my fingers crossed for the next year. I would still be the same, living each day one day at a time and taking life as it comes while making my own modifications to it.

To all those people that made this year so great, "thank you and I love you." I would not dare to recall every single detail of this year as that would take up more than a page of this blog and probably a whole day of reflecting and typing…hey I’m on break!

**2007 - Best year of my life, so far**

Pictures will have to wait until later. One glorious week down and a couple more to go (fingers crossed)…

New York: It was a bit intimidating when I first got here to NY. It seems like everything in this city is so complex and fast paced. From the people to the subway lines blew my mind away…but after a day of exploring and navigating, I finally got comfortable enough going around Manhattan and boy was it fun and not so complicated after all. It is not a joke when people call NY as a melting pot, because it literally is. I though good ole California is as diverse as it can get, boy was I dead wrong. I have to admire and put my hands up to New Yorkers, they live a pretty interesting life here. Everyone seems to be moving at the speed of light and at a very limited amount of time, it’s just one big rush everywhere you go. It’s fascinating to jsut watch the locals and the tourists move through this city…I almost want to move here ha ha ha but I’m jsut talking about summer season though, I heard the winter season is when you’ll know if ou really want to be a New Yorker. I took my bite out of the big apple and so far I like what I’ve taken in.

Lexington Park, Maryland: I didn’t really get to go anywhere at Maryland. It was a squeezed in three day trip that my sis and I tried to wedge in our trip and it didn’t exactly go as smooth as we planned but it worked out really well. Taking the bus from NY to MD was a long 4 hour trip, but there is no trip a long nap couldn’t shorten. I was able to spend time with my family and my sis’ friend’s family and it was great. Thanks to uncle Emil my short trip ouside of NY made it worth the cost and the long travel time.

Washington D.C.: I almost did not make it here…as I’ve said, THANKS UNCLE. There is nothing like catching up with an old friend to rejuvinate your soul…well it gets better when you get to catch up with two great old friends. After literally more than 4 years of being so far away from everybody…there isn’t enough words to describe how happy seeing and spending time with them made me feel. Marella and Marco, THANKS GUYS, THANK YOU SO MUCH. I didn’t get to D.C. until 9:00 PM after running around Maryland, but no matter how short my D.C. trip is, I have to say that this is the highlight of my trip (with all due respect to the other parts of my trip). We started out with a nice dinner and a whole night of chatting and welll…booooozeeeeee ha ha ha. Before we realize it, it was already 5:30 A.M. and it killed me that I had to leave at 11:00 A.M. and catch the bus back to N.Y. Marella, thanks for breakfast!!! Yes, she cooks and so far I think I’m still among the living (PEACE!!!) ha ha ha. It was a short trip and I can only wish I could have stayed longer, but it was well worth the trip and everything else from this point on are welcome extras. I can only wish and wonder when I will get to see Marco, Marella, and Victor again. I am almost envious that they live just across each other…should I move to D.C. now? ha ha ha maybe not, I’m still pretty much in love with California and ofcourse I do have friends in Cal that I would not want to leave behind…I’m coming home soon enough guys!

Next stop: Atlantic city, New Jersey!!! Catching up with my sister-in-law and a niece and a nephew that I haven’t seen in literally almost two decades. That adventure begins tomorrow!

This year is turning out to be a really interesting one, this is just a rough "thinking out loud" of one aspect of my life so far in the year 2007:

I’ve met or rather paid more attention to three really interesting women. The first one has a smile that is way better than any sunset that I’ve ever seen in my entire life, there are two things that kills me though, first she wears that smile all the time (Oh my Bob, what torture it is), and there is a guy out there and I only know him by name…he’s the luckiest and most blessed guy in the world. The second one really knows how to have fun and seems really interesting, but she’s just really lost right now…doesn’t know what she wants and the more I talk to her the more it becomes apparent that after a year and a half she is still stuck within a feet of getting over her previous relationship (bad ex’s die hard!). The third one is someone that I pretty much get a long with (most of the time), but heck she still needs quite a bit of maturing to do…

Am I just unlucky? No, I know I sound arrogant and/or stupid…but I know most of the problem is probably my fault. I just can’t seem to bring myself to take that next step…the longer I linger standing on one spot, the more reasons I can make up in my mind on why I should not go forward…

Sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking that everything is going to be fine and things will work itself out…but when you are keeping 3 jobs and earn more than what you need…you just know that you are not working for the money…you are working for the distraction. In the end it is simply one way to tire yourself out in hopes of trying to run away from reality (it doesn’t always work).

**********

It’s like water at the center of a cupped palm. To squeeze it tight is not necessarily the same as holding on to it, it’s forcing it to bleed out. To hold it too lose is not necessarily letting it get a whiff of fresh air, it’s letting it slip away. Ideally…to keep it is to provide it with constant care and attention, but that is not always an easy thing to do. Say one puts a cast on his or her hand to keep it in a cupped position, sounds like a great idea…thank Bob for "auto-pilot."  Then suddenly the water evaporates into thin air. Was it simply something that is bound to happen? One can’t claim that the water had much to do with the decision of the person to stand under the sun for too long…that is life and **********.

It is true that we all have our individual lives to live, but the word leaving sounds awfully similar to living. We all must be careful of what we let slip away or vanish into thin air, because not all that is lost can ever be found again.

This is just another confusing rambling from my non-linear mind. Such a precious waste…

It’s almost unfair and cruel. Just when I’ve finally managed to tell myself to let off and accept the seemingly apparent futility of the situation…then something happens and my heart and mind starts to battle again. I couldn’t, I wouldn’t, and I shouldn’t…but the more I try to tear myself away from you, the more you make me realize how great you are.

I know you’d never believe me if I tell you these words, but "you really are special and your doubts about yourself is what makes you perfect." I wish I can tell you that personally, but that is not something that I can do right now. I’ll go with the flow…I only wish I can always tell the difference between reality and illusion.

I know that I am confusing…I know that I’ve done something to make you doubt me…I know that it won’t be easy to understand….but believe me that I can truly say that I have fallen for you…I love you, but I fear that I might not be even near the one that you are looking for…It is almost unfair and cruel, but right now I just couldn’t really do anything about it. I tried to make you notice me, but nothing that I do seems to ever work…

I’ll cherish each moment that I can spend with you…time is quickly passing and I know that being with you will soon end…I can only wish that it would never end, but I can’t hold on to someone who isn’t mine to hold. I’ll love you and I will cherish you…even if I can only do that inside my mind…

SO MANY QUESTIONS - by Side A

Have you seen her?

Did you see her pass this way?

What is it about her?

What makes me feel this way?

Is it her eyes?

Maybe, but I’m not so sure

Is it her laughter?

Something I never heard before

CHORUS:

So many questions

But the answers are so few

All I really know is

I LOVE YOU (repeat)

What is it about her

That makes me stare

And makes me wanna run my fingers through her hair

Why she makes me feel this way

Will I find her?

Maybe, but I’m not so sure

Will she be mine?

I can’t stand this searching anymore

(repeat chorus 2x with adlib in between)

‘Cause the only time I see her near is when I close my eyes

Should I keep it that way?

It’s the only way

I can make her stay